Thursday, June 28, 2012

F55 - (2 in 1)

My first attempt at F 55. Two in one.

F-55 - 1

Street lights heralded the sun’s disappearance. A reverberating noise filled the air, indicating the onslaught. The airborne troops charged ahead, their dangerous weapons ready; poised for attack. An all-female army yet ruthless! The retaliation was unexpected. Engulfed in a blast of poisonous vapor they fell, one by one to their deaths. The coil kept guarding.




F-55 -2

She was exhausted. All the screaming had dried her throat. The ill-fitting gown and hair that stuck to the perspiration resulted in a shabby and disheveled appearance.
Tears started trickling down her cheeks. She knew not why.
Yet she was in her most beautiful form. Few minutes had passed since she won the title – Mother.

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63 comments:

  1. AshJune 28, 2012 at 4:51 AM

    I love the second one :)

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    1. Jayashree SrivatsanJune 28, 2012 at 5:00 AM

      That was such a fast response Ash. Thanks :D

      Delete
    2. AshJune 28, 2012 at 7:12 AM

      Yeah, I got your post in my rss feed :P check out my latest one too, wd be great to hv ur opinion too!

      Delete
  2. Saru SinghalJune 28, 2012 at 5:08 AM

    First one is brilliant, coil, female army and light. It took me couple of seconds to grasp it. :)

    Awww for the second one. Too good. I loved the vocabulary here...:)

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    1. Jayashree SrivatsanJune 28, 2012 at 8:02 AM

      Thank you so much Saru :) I wrote these and before I saved my pc got shut down . Thanks to Microsoft words autorecovery ! Phew!

      Delete
    2. Saru SinghalJune 28, 2012 at 8:18 PM

      Actually the first one is brilliant. You can't judge till you finish it and it has all the elements of 55.

      Delete
  3. C SureshJune 28, 2012 at 6:39 AM

    Jaish! Wow! I, too, got the first one the second time around. The second one was awesome, too!

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  4. debajyotiJune 28, 2012 at 8:46 AM

    hey Jayashree, brilliant writing. i had to read the first one a few times to understand. but loved the way you wrote it. i wrote a poem on that, should be there somewhere in my archive with the title "bored" :D. read it if you get time.

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    1. Jayashree SrivatsanJune 28, 2012 at 6:14 PM

      Hi

      Thanks for the comment . Did not realize the first one was so difficult ha ha . Almost everyone has commented that they had to read it more than once to grasp . I am referring to tortoise mosquito coil there :) I think I remember 'bored' . Will read again

      Delete
  5. DivyaJune 28, 2012 at 9:46 AM

    Hi Jayashree :) :) :) I loved the second poem :) :)

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  6. Danny SimonJune 28, 2012 at 10:12 AM

    Hey! What is F55??
    But I loved the second one! I just became an uncle last week! My sister's feelings right there! Awesome!

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    1. Jayashree SrivatsanJune 28, 2012 at 6:17 PM

      Hi Danny

      F55 is Fiction 55 . Fiction written using just 55 words . I was also not aware of it till I came across a few in indiblogger . Congrats on the new bundle of joy :)

      Delete
  7. Akshay Kumar GJune 28, 2012 at 4:17 PM

    Frankly speaking, when I read the first one, I had no clue what you were referring to, I took it too literally. Now I understand. :)

    Second one is too beautiful. Loved it. :)

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    1. Jayashree SrivatsanJune 28, 2012 at 6:20 PM

      Hi akshay

      I am referring to Mosquitos and repellents :) everyone has said that it took them some time to grasp it . Maybe I should have explicitly stated :) thanks a ton for the continuous support

      Delete
  8. D.NambiarJune 28, 2012 at 6:12 PM

    Wow! you rock at F55s too, eh.

    Loved both. I think they should have been two posts, though. So there'll be some time for each story sink in, as they're really short ones.

    Keep them coming, Jaish. :)

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    1. Jayashree SrivatsanJune 28, 2012 at 6:21 PM

      Hmm ! Will keep that in mind for the next F55 :) thanks for the comments

      Delete
  9. Found In FolsomJune 28, 2012 at 6:16 PM

    At first, I liked the second one. I guessed it on the first sentence itself though. But on reading again and again, I liked the first one better :)
    Both are good. :)

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    1. Jayashree SrivatsanJune 28, 2012 at 6:23 PM

      Thank you so much :) First one I have not openly given the answer and most comments say they read it more than once to get it right :) thanks for the comments :)

      Delete
  10. Rahul BhatiaJune 28, 2012 at 10:04 PM

    Jaishree, this was just brilliant writing in both the instances:) Loved both...:)

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  11. bu buJune 28, 2012 at 10:15 PM

    RHINO ROCKS :)
    i wanna write some 55 :(
    missing them badly...

    good work :)

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    1. Jayashree SrivatsanJune 28, 2012 at 10:54 PM

      Thanks Deepak :) . Why dont you write some 55 soon if you r missing them? Cant wait to read them :)

      Delete
  12. magiceyeJune 28, 2012 at 11:22 PM

    loved the 2nd one

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  13. Ganesh PuttuJune 28, 2012 at 11:39 PM

    Great ones.....loved both and especially the imagery you give in both...left me with the feeling of having watched a short film..why dont you try your hand at filming short films? Should be right up your alley with your eye for details..

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    1. Jayashree SrivatsanJune 29, 2012 at 12:48 AM

      Thanks Ganesh. Short Films? Hmm..Have never thought about it before. Thanks for suggesting...May be I will try some time...But I have no idea about how to go about it :)

      Delete
  14. BikramJune 29, 2012 at 1:37 AM

    all female army :) I ma sure a day will come when that will be possible for sure ..

    loved both the stories

    Bikram's

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    1. Jayashree SrivatsanJune 29, 2012 at 1:52 AM

      Thanks a lot Bikram. An all-female army is good but not a ruthless one :)

      Delete
  15. CYNOSUREJune 29, 2012 at 1:54 AM

    Loved the second one...excellent one dear...never appeared to me as your first attempt towards 55-Fiction...
    keep scribbling...GOD bless u...tc... :)

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  16. N.S.KirtiJune 29, 2012 at 1:56 AM

    This is splendid! especially the second one... i LOVED the second one! :) keep going! :)

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    1. Jayashree SrivatsanJune 29, 2012 at 2:17 AM

      Thanks Kirti. Many seem to like the second one better :)

      Delete
  17. AnonymousJune 29, 2012 at 1:57 AM

    I like the second one... really impressive Jaish :)

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  18. BhavanaJune 29, 2012 at 2:01 AM

    LOL--you wrote a F-55 on mosquitoes!!!!! That was so well-put:) And the second one was touching...doesn't the new mother always looks so beautiful jst after her kid is born!

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    1. Jayashree SrivatsanJune 29, 2012 at 2:31 AM

      Yeah ha ha....They are one common lot rt? My close friend recently gave birth and the photos were an inspiration for the second :) Thanks for reading every one of my posts and leaving behind your comments :D

      Delete
  19. AmitAagJune 29, 2012 at 2:28 AM

    Hey Jaish..both are just brilliant as was expected of you:) The first one however is par excellence..the imagery is far fetched and the element of ah-ness leaves the reader bewildered! I loved it!Great Work:)May you delight us with many more:) God bless you:)

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    1. Jayashree SrivatsanJune 29, 2012 at 2:32 AM

      Thank you so much Amitji. These words of praise have put me on cloud nine and I am prancing around with glee. Thank you for making my day :)

      Delete
  20. EngramsJune 29, 2012 at 7:30 AM

    Jaish..both the 55's are great and looking forward to read many more from you!! All the best

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  21. umashankarJune 29, 2012 at 8:18 AM

    Jaish, let me assure you those two are best 55-Worded stuff I have ever read. Period.

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  22. umashankarJune 29, 2012 at 8:21 AM

    Typo: those two are the best 55-Worded stuff I have ever read.

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    1. Jayashree SrivatsanJune 29, 2012 at 8:39 AM

      Such a comment from a great writer like you....Wow!!!!!!!! Thanks a lot :)

      Delete
  23. Jessy JohnJune 29, 2012 at 9:34 AM

    Brilliantly written...Loved the first one!

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  24. Anu ~*~June 29, 2012 at 10:21 AM

    Hi ,
    i love the SEecond one !!
    i visted your blog first time nd i really liked your blog . from today i m your latest follower ,,:)
    Thanks ,
    Anu

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    1. Jayashree SrivatsanJune 29, 2012 at 8:42 PM

      Thanks Anu . Being followed is one of the best things that can happen to any blogger :D thank you so much :)

      Delete
  25. Ranjana's craft blogJune 29, 2012 at 11:33 AM

    Both are very nice...Liked the second one :-)

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  26. RajJune 29, 2012 at 4:31 PM

    Wow.. First attempt. Seriously! I would say brilliance is the word. And then there is two of them which makes this post a double delight. Loved everything about both the 55s. The first one was extremely well thought out and perfectly expressed. The second one was so sweet and conveyed the most beautiful emotion so exquisitely. I feel that 55 is one of the toughest to write as you have to convey a lot in so less words. And you seem to have mastered this genre at the very first go. Looking forward to many more such little gems.

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    1. Jayashree SrivatsanJune 29, 2012 at 10:19 PM

      Thanks a lot Raj. You have been extremely generous with your words of appreciation and I am humbled. Thanks for the continuous support.

      Delete
  27. TTTJune 29, 2012 at 7:19 PM

    both are great ! though the second one was very touching ...

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  28. UmaJune 29, 2012 at 9:32 PM

    your first attempt you say?? can't believe. Brilliantly worded..loved both of them :-)

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    1. Jayashree SrivatsanJune 29, 2012 at 10:20 PM

      Yes Uma. I was not aware of this genre earlier. Thanks a lot :)

      Delete
  29. UnknownJune 29, 2012 at 9:56 PM

    The second one is unexpected thus a pleasant surprise :)

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  30. SudhageeJune 29, 2012 at 11:32 PM

    I liked the second one more. Very beautiful and poignant.

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  31. A Homemaker's UtopiaJune 30, 2012 at 3:24 AM

    Wonderful writing Jaish..:-) My vote for the second one.Brilliant writing..:-)

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  32. gunjan kumarJune 30, 2012 at 3:43 AM

    superlike :)

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  33. Terminally Ill Offical DankJune 30, 2012 at 6:18 PM

    SIQ POST BROOOOO
    CHECK OUT MY BAND
    TERMINALLY ILL

    ReplyDelete
  34. Vijay ShenoyJuly 1, 2012 at 1:45 AM

    Awesome.... Keep them coming :)

    ReplyDelete